“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them and to dominate them.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
I had an emotion-ectomy today. Can you believe they removed all of my emotions in a one hour, day surgery?
Technology is truly amazing.
When I arrived at the clinic the waiting room was full of people laughing, crying and getting angry. What a mess! Clearly, this is a much needed operation.
After filling out the required forms, I changed into a gown, a nurse put an IV in my arm and they wheeled me into surgery. I was wide-awake as they detached my emotion sack; the slimy, quivering mess that it is. The doctor, with a look of deep satisfaction, held it high in the air a moment before dropping it into the metal kidney shaped dish beside the operating table.
I have to say, it hardly hurt at all and I don’t feel bad about it. In fact, I don’t feel anything. No guilt, no shame, no anxiety. I mean, you might think I took extreme measures but let’s face it, once your emotion sack gets infected you have to take quick and decisive action.
What exactly constitutes an infection, you ask? Well, that is debatable but most modern medical professionals agree that emotions shouldn’t cause you daily discomfort. That’s not how life should be.
The doctors say that I may still behave emotionally on occasion; more out of a force of habit than anything else. I may even produce a single tear at a particularly poignant moment but there will be no more crying at commercials. There’s a money back guarantee of that much.
As I walked out the door the receptionist handed me a jar containing my emotion sack preserved in formaldehyde, a sort of memento. It was curious peering at it like that for the first time. It’s kind of beautiful. No longer under its unpredictable control, I tilted the jar a bit to examine its opalescent striations as it sloshed about gently, like some sort of demented jellyfish.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted it at first but I think now that I’ll keep it. Maybe I’ll dry it out and make myself something useful, like gloves. Or perhaps a shower cap? I think that’s sensible.